Sheparding Throughout Trials

When I was young I was pretty wild. Most people avoid conflict and situations of trouble. I seemed to seek them out and find them. Turmoil was a common thing for me. I was used to it. I liked it. It could have been because of my red hair, or just maybe a genetic defect. I don't really know, but I was attracted to the wrong things. I grew up a Church kid more or less. Much less than more admittedly. I was born right around the mid 80's turmoil in a small city in the middle of the state of Washington. Unfortunately my parents were in a locality that descented from brother Lee and his ministry. This caused much turmoil in our lives and I was more or less a product of that. More than less. It seems that this has haunted me much of my life and it's something that even through the Lord's blood has been a very difficult thing to overcome. Anyhow, through the grace of God my parents stayed with brother Lee's vision and we moved from that locality to another locality. But still there was damage within our family. It took me over ten years to become born again. I was not born again by choice until I was around 20 years old. Around this time I began to follow the Lord also, and soon after saw the church. But between the time we moved from that locality and the time I returned to God to follow His son, was a time of hardship and trials for my mother and I. But somehow I had something like structure. I just wanted to play basketball. I caught the bug early on and practiced almost every day. Whenever I could I would be out shooting hoops. One night, as a junior in high school, I was out shooting hoops outside of a church on a hoop they had in the back of their building. A young man of about 26 years of age named Luke came out to talk with me. I really didn't know why at the time. He just started shooting around with me and we got to talking. He told me that he was a member at that church and he told me his experience with God. He said he had an ok job and one day he just decided to give it up to follow Jesus. I thought that was strange, but he went on to say that he had no fulfillment with his job. That it was just the same thing everyday and he had no more joy in life. He said one day he just quit everything and stopped his life to follow Jesus Christ. This really shocked me. I was intrigued but still kind of skeptical. I'm not sure what else he said to me, but as he was telling me his story I saw something in him. A genuine heart, and a real caring for me, even though he didn't know me. I saw God in him. His story reflected God and I was touched. God in him, touched me. He gave me a Bible for free and told me to start reading in the book of John. I did that night, but didn't get much out of it mentally, nor could I understand it very much. “In the beginning was the word, and the word was with God, and the word was God. He was in the beginning with God.” This made no sense to me, but I read on. Eventually making it to about chapter 8. Well it seemed like just some stories that were about Jesus and what He was doing on earth, but still something within those pages was drawing me. I tasted God within that gospel. Yet I was still saturated with my sinful lifestyle and quickly forgot about the Bible and I floated away from my reading after a few days, and eventually floated back into my regular life. But my life had become tumultuous. I was hanging with the wrong crowd and doing the wrong things. Things that very nearly killed me later on. As I look back on it, I remember very many instances where I could have been hurt, arrested, or killed. But God had mercy on me. From that day on it seems He was sheparding me in a more outward way, and arranging my environment and doing things for me secretly behind the scenes as well. I really didn't know it, but He had always loved me and wanted me. He was always sheparding me, I just did not know about my spiritual lineage and what that entailed within. I had no sight that I was part of the spiritual family of faith. A brother of Jesus and a member of the universal body of Christ. To me, it was just my hard life, but  really I was kicking against the goads as Paul said. I was fighting God as He tried time after time to show me His love. He could only wait until my circumstances afforded Him an opportunity to come into me and be my life. God was sheparding me with His loving rod to go a certain way and I was resisting, not even knowing what or who I was resisting. To look back on it now is interesting because God showed me a few times through revelation, practically, experientially, through instances in my environment and daily happenings what he wanted with me, but still at the time I had no clue what it was. Only that something about it seemed sort of familiar. 

My senior year in high school was eventful to say the least. Because of my wild ways I got into trouble. The wrong kind of trouble that could have seriously affected the rest of my life. But again God was merciful and sovereign over the situation and allowed a way out for me. My brothers came across the state of Washington to my city to save me from myself. They moved me across the state and I started my senior year at a brand new school. This was an absolute culture shock for me. It was a hard and personally horrible experience as I remember back. It was very much something that I was in over my head with. This too was sovereign, but God was there as He always was, behind the scenes working through love. He would do little things for me in a sheparding, loving way. For instance, He would eventually want me to join His body, the church, in a practical and normal way through the home meetings. So what He did was set me up with a school group meeting to get me ready for the real thing. I think back on this memory very hazily as at that time I was very much a rebel and a very hard hearted young man. I don't  remember much from those school group meetings except for some reason it seemed like it was all set up for me. This probably was somewhat the truth, being along the lines of my school counselor actually caring about me and seeing I had a need and setting me up with problem students that needed counseling, or possibly my older brother interceding through the school, then setting me up with these other students. But really it was God's care. Nevertheless that group helped me. The home meetings are very personal. They are almost face to face and one on one between believers. A very intimate and personal fellowship. I was so hard hearted at the time, and yet those group meetings really broke the ice for me after a few sessions. I was starting to become comfortable around people.I had never felt special or that I had any type of self worth or esteem until I started to meet with that group. God's enemy had always tried his best to keep me in a depressed condition and feeling like I didn't matter to anyone. Yet these meetings, although outward and spiritually superficial, helped me to view myself as a person of worth. This was God's care.

Later on that year, my history teacher showed a movie in class called “The Last Emperor” about the last dynasty ruler in China before communism took over. In that movie there is a part when Christians are meeting secretly to enjoy Jesus. Something about that scene snapped a picture in my mind and reminded me of God's church, and when I was young and what I saw growing up in the local churches and being in the home meetings. It hit me emotionally and I was drawn to the Lord in that simple movie scene. Directly after this all my walls came down through the enemies attack and my world was more or less turned upside down. I started to have mental breakdowns and would eventually have to quit school. I would get overwhelming mental attacks so bad that my emotions could not take them and I would not be able to function properly. But the Lord again was sovereign and used my breakdowns to reveal Himself to me. Now that I am older and have more experience of the Lord and spiritual warfare, it indeed seemed that satan did not want me to get saved or come to know God's plan and purpose through the church, so he did his best to attack me through my mind and my environment, causing much suffering like Pharaoh did to the children of Israel. This was the work on the enemies side, yet the Lord was still sheparding me, and calling me out of the world. Through those attacks, God's plan for me was revealed, and I received a strong love attraction to God through His son Jesus Christ. I was drawn to Him throughout my suffering and my need, especially by His sheparding care among my family and within the word of God, especially the gospel books of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. I really wanted to follow Jesus like the disciples did in those books. I felt a very intense and personal call within those books, like His words were speaking directly to me, seeking for me to follow Him,  and within me there was a response, I wanted to follow Jesus. Like His promise to the brothers John and Simon, I wanted Him to make me a fisher of men.

Then one day, soon after this, through God's mercy I saw my sins and my need for redemption. I was touched by a passage in the book of Isaiah. Chapter 1 verse 18 says "Come now and let us reason together, Says Jehovah. Though your sins are like scarlet, They will be as white as snow; Though they are as red as crimson, They will be like wool." This just touched me so deeply. It was like God had forgiven me, like He was speaking these words to me, Jason, the sinner. Not just in any theological or doctrinal way. Even before I had felt so guilty and aware of my sins, He was sheparding me to this point. I was an enemy of God, but even during my worst times He had forgiven me, and was simply lovingly sheparding me to a place where I could really see Him subjectively and His true intentions for me within His economy. It was a burden to carry around my sin. But when I read this verse it was like God didn't even notice my sins. Like they weren't even there. I remember reading this verse deep in a forest, and feeling like there was a battle around me, yet as I was walking home, God met me again and was there with His grace to wash my heart clean of it's conviction. His merciful enlightening of my conscience just gave Him the opportunity to show me my need for redemption. My sins were there evident to me, but as I read this verse and walked home, my sins became invisible to God, as if imperceptible to Him and He saw only Jesus' His son's blood on the cross. He said that they could be as white as snow and I believed it and asked Him to make me this way, to cleanse my heart, and to forgive my stains, and He did. Immediately I felt a cleansing process within my heart. God really came into me and washed me with His precious blood. His accomplishment cleansed my life. All of my past sins were no longer there. They were gone. Through the next few days I felt as if I was being washed and sanctified by the holy spirit. I felt renewed in my heart and being. I also felt such an emotional pull towards my maker. I felt the love of God in a very real and personal way. I felt like I was being born again. Being renewed, as if what I was before was not the real me, and what I was becoming was a reality, a new person. It was very personal, sweet,  and subjective.  God's love was real to me, not through anything of myself, but through all of what Jesus did in His incarnation, crucifixion, and resurrection.

 

God's Love

That summer, I was more or less alone outwardly but I felt the Lord's presence so greatly and He was so real to me. Over the course of about 4-5 months through one summer and into the next fall I was loving Jesus' very personally. Writing poems to Him like David in the psalms. Feeling His presence very intensely and real in my heart. Sensing Him, in a way that was almost tangible. He was very near and sensible to me. This was how I knew that what I was experiencing was very real. This taught me to look for Him and to rely on Him as the spirit within my spirit. Slowly, my walls came down and my heart was turned from a hard rock to a living heart of flesh. Jesus came into me and showed himself to me practically, through all my sufferings and trials. He was always there, doing everything. He took care of everything. I was the sick man in Luke 10:30-37 and Jesus was the Samaritan to me, bounding my wounds, and pouring oil and wine on them. He lovingly took care of me. In every way He sheparded me. Through my outward physical environment as well as inwardly in my heart and my emotions. I think many people that I met previous to that summer must have felt sorry for me, or were worried that I might harm myself as they saw me suffering outwardly. Yet God, was the one who was taking care of me, it was nothing of myself, He got me through and even laid a table for me in the presence of my enemies. My wild ways and sinful self, just afforded Him an opportunity to come into me, to reveal Himself to me, and to offer Himself as my redemption and my life, and to show me His purpose and goal through the church. God is very practical. He takes care of us in secret, and I was really being shown much mercy by the Lord. It was all within His master plan.

I didn't deserve it, but Jesus did all this anyways. He really cared for me with His love. And He has been ever since. Always sheparding, ever patient. Eventually, after a little time He brought me into contact with fellow lovers of Jesus locally within my city. I am ever thankful for being around the saints, and being within the family of faith. It is a true blessing to be born into a household serving God, subject to His spirit and within His plan. Through them, He brought me back into the fellowship of the body, the Church. He even went so far as to put a ring on my finger and a robe on my back like the father did for his son in Luke 15:22. Christ became my righteousness, my cover (the robe), and He also gave me His spirit as a God-given seal upon me (the ring). His intention wasn't just to take care of me or give me outward gifts. His intention was to bring me into His plan and show me His body, the Church, with the intention that I would become part of the bride. And also to give me the sandals which signifies my separation from this dirty earth. Eventually, soon after these experiences I was baptized. All the adornment for the prodigal believers is so that they can enjoy God's salvation through Christ and the spirit, in the house of God. This was what was on His heart through all his loving, tender care and mercy towards me. Every thing He has done, whether on the positive side or the negative side for me in these last ten years was for His body, His corporate enlargement. Even my personal and spiritual experiences are for this corporate enlargement, not just for myself. All of it was for my enjoyment and His enjoyment, yet without the body, it would still be short of something. For ten years God was searching for me as a lost sheep. When He found me, He became my shepard even more, in a very personal way to bring me back to the flock. His goal for this is a mutual enjoyment for me to experience collectively in His dwelling place- the church, with His chosen people. It is really a sweet and high and very noble thing to be sheparded into the body of Christ. 

Now it is an enjoyment to serve in and for the body. Christ is in every member, and in every member there is a portion of enjoyment to be had. Each member, in their own way is a cook of Jesus Christ. Cooking up portions of Christ-food through their environmental experiences and enjoyments of the Lord. Throughout all my sufferings that I went through, I can declare now that they were for the Body of Christ! Our experiences are for the members within His body, not just for ourselves. Each member is a fellow partaker of Christ and has the birthright to His enjoyment. We are brothers and sisters of one another and to the Lord. Children of God, with the hope to become full grown sons and carry out God's purpose on the earth. Each member has a different, function, flavor and a different portion to feed the saints and build up the body of Christ with Christ as the head of the body.This is wonderful because we are each conformed to Christ's death on the cross, and live out His resurrection through His life, within our spirit very practically within our own personal God-tailored situations. This Christ that we receive personally is for the body corporately, which becomes the Universal Bride.  This is accomplished practically by the middle bars of our divine attribute expressing humanity signified by the acacia wood which is overlayed with gold, or God's element. The middle bars of the spirit are connecting this wood together. This is how the body of Christ is built up in a real and practical way within the members. The spirit of God rests within human vessels made of clay, and is therein expressed to fulfill God's purpose on earth through His rule and reign. God is expressed in His divine attributes through our human virtues. This is the best way to preach the gospel; to shine forth and reflect God Himself within our human vessel through our human faculties, nature, and uplifted humanity. We are what connect the body together through the spirit. God's attributes are shown out of man's virtues. This is where man can express God. God is particularly expressed in man's sentiments and his character. One of the realest sensations of God that I received was touching God through the saints loving care, sheparding spirits, and wonderful prophesying. There is no greater expression of love in human beings than what I've seen within the brothers and sisters in the lord. God is love, therefore those who partake of Him, and assimilate Him, become expressions of His love. By exercising our spirit to be one Spirit with the Lord, who is Spirit, we can function normally, as normal human beings, to express Christ with all the other members of the body who love this one. As we take Him day by day as our spiritual portion He is written on our hearts and people can sense the God within us. This is the higher way to witness for the Lord. Of course we must speak, we cannot just be a particular, even peculiar people, with a hidden secret. We are like lamps on a hilltop. We must be seen and we must tell others of what we see. It is all for a glorious, universal, corporate expression. This is the purpose of man, this is what the Lord was bringing me to see His sheparding and regeneration. It was what He wanted to gain through all my troubles and trials. He is still working, and He will be until He returns. He is the best physician, He is the best leader, He is the Head over all the Churches. He is the bridegroom. Today we just cooperate with Him to gain His hearts desire within us, now on earth, for the New Jerusalem, for His coming back. We rest in His accomplishments, and we shine and we speak, and as we speak we shine; for the gospel of the kingdom to come in all those who are perishing. All of our personal experiences of Christ are for the body. We must flow out for the body, and for the sake of those perishing we must rise up to preach the gospel according to the function of our measure. Whether we speak to people about our testimony, or we simply hand someone a track or pass out free Bible offers, we are always cooperating with the leading spirit to carry out His will. God may give us gifts and take care of us at first, but eventually He just draws us to love Him and serve Him within the church, out of His own love and by His direction. It is not something we do, for we do not have love in ourselves, nor much faith, nor can we work out anything to accomplish His purpose in ourselves. Everything we have is from God and for God and comes out of God. Everything we are to God is out of Christ and out of love. To love Him is to serve Him. It is nothing outward or perfunctory. Everything in our Christian life comes out of God's wonderful love for us, His creatures. His love is the most wonderful, drawing thing in the universe. It is as strong as death, as strong and Sheol, and as terrible as an army with banners. Hallelujah for this wonderful, loving shepard. Amen.